basta.

It has been so long but always you'd be the right person to walk with during afternoons along the Avenue, along the dusty streets of Naga, along the empty corridors and covered walks of Ateneo in summer. It has been so long but you are the one person I'd always ask out, not for a date, but to eat Biggs dinners or Greenwich lunches, and the usual kinalas. It has been so long but you'd be the first person I would come and look for to tell any small significant thing that made me see the world in another way. It has been so long but you're the only one who'd let me cry first before asking questions of why tears are there on her shoulders. It has been so long but there would be no other I'd want to be with, to listen to lazy rainy afternoons and let the comfortable silence tell all our stories for us. It has been so long but only you would jump right into the fantasy of our text messages without any cue, or inhibition. It has been so long but you still fall in love with my letters and turn of phrases and mean it when you say so. It has been so long but I still worry like a mother when I can't say exactly where you are. It has been so long but you still derail my thoughts and I wander along the wreckage, smiling; my favorite distraction. It has been so long but your eyes are the only pair I'd want to see squinting in the golden afternoon sun. It has been so long and I know I can only say so much.

It has been so long but the words come easy the way our hands easily fit into each other, and this is the way we have gotten too close our pores have become bestfriends.

tell Sara I got my angst back.

The storms are just perfect. I would have smiled if I could, but futile and plastic if I force it and so no, no smile just a thank you for the weather. As of late, there has been a sense of urgency, a resolute need to walk, to just walk and hold my life in my thoughts for that space. Except that I'm in Manila, where I am strange, dislocated and disconnected.

In Naga, most probably I would already be shivering in this rain and walking and seeing only green fields and myself. and you. This is not a wish for melodrama but it would be so good to walk in this rain, in this storm and in this cold and that either there won't be anybody around except me or that you'd be there and walk with me.

But it would be another year before I have the chance to be there and to see all the things I have been and to let me know that I am myself again. The story of my life.

So I wrote somewhere.

'I will see you when I look out of the bus window, I will see you when I see the stars shine outside the bus. And I will see my reflection looking at all this and see me thinking about you.

I am destiny's fool.'

sa paghuna.

ta paghuna ta kasubago mauran.
madaradagom,
malipot si duros,
kaya naghalat kita
sagkod nagrewind ning dikit
kang mga pirang bulan
duman sa tukawan.
na naka-abot kung sain man
puedeng uranan.
tapos kapot, hadok.
sabay halat giraray.
nag-alok ka na mapauran kita.
na garo mga aki, na
garo ngonyan pa lang
makakamati ning lipot.
sabi ko iyo,
pero habo ko muna maghali duman
sa kaimbungan kang paghalat ta.

Iyo, sige, niako.
ulay na muna kita,
ta mayo pa man ang lipot kang uran.

dai nadagos si uran kang hapon na ito.
banggi na,
kang nasa taas kita.
nagdadangog sa ribok kang atop.
sagkod kita, imbong na lang gabos
asin kugos.

we'll slowdance in the rain.

I'll watch rain fall all over you like a hundred thousand kisses made real
then let our hands slip together over each other, sliding over the wetness
if we shiver at first, then we'll embrace and we'll be our own warmth for just that little while.
and after the coldness passes, we stare at each other's eyes again like this is the first
or perhaps the last.

we'll taste the rain as the music in our minds start to play
and it will be warm rain gathering on our skin, collecting in million little reflections of us
we'll move slowly like this afternoon rain, languid and unhurried
emotions rising like black and white photos, old and familiar and lovely.

for a little while we will have our time in this afternoon rain,
and dancing to the music we played a long time ago
a certain song that our drenched bodies move along now
to dream of forever in this world and the falling rain.

we'll keep on smiling for as long as the heavens break down above
and close our eyes to keep in a memory, in remembrance
of one rainy afternoon we slowdanced along with the falling rain.

you autocomplete me.

There are some odd times I google your name, usually during early early mornings, and I make a silent secret request that a single correct hit would come up and hyperlink me a little electronic story about you, one that I haven't heard before and one that would make missing you a bit more reasonable; something that I can explain by myself; why I pushed the back button again in my mind, instead of just a repetitive F5. Just a little something to make me get over this pining away, until the next time your memories come phishing my current memory banks; that I flicker to safe mode in order not to crash again. Then I make the request again and get the usual 404 code and I try all the search engines for just a ghost of a whisper of your name, any electronic trace of you with a recent timestamp, anything, anything but the residual images and data crashes of years ago.

The 404 codes defragments me just by reading it, because the lines make you hope when you'd rather not, when you'd rather want a dead link and not continue believing the line that it is just "temporary unavailable". Then a 410 loads up sometimes and I depress the power button for the longest time until everything blanks out and the LEDs turn from green to orange then fade out entirely, and I start to envy the instant purging of its memory banks. To turn myself off without saving, just blank out, out of the grid.

But eventually I turn it on and myself; and I am again looking at my static user interface, knowing that if I go deeper in the interface, all user rights and all the defaults are in your name, even if I am the administrator. And I go to google your name again, ready for the results and the letdown.

Then suddenly a 302; you, streaming and live.

gusto mo kwento.

One late evening with my three-year old daughter, Rain, both of us staring at the ceiling.

Gusto mo ng kwento?

A couple of nods

Gusto ko.

Okay, may kwento ako...tungkol sa...angel, alam mo yun?*

Angel.

Nods.

Isang araw may isang angel, lumilipad ang angel, parang bird...at may pakpak ang angel, alam mo yun?

Silent stare.

Alam mo ba ang angel? Teka, hahanap ako ng picture.

Nods then holds my arm

Angel.

Okay, sige. Yung angel lipad lang ng lipad dahil may hinahanap siya.

Hahanap?

May hinahanap yung angel, hinahanap niya yung love niya kaya lipad lang ng lipad yung angel.

A smile.

At lumipad yung angel papuntang e-...

E-mall!

at lumipad din papuntang LC...

LCC!

pero hindi pa rin talaga mahanap ng angel ang love niya. Lumipad din ang angel papuntang San Felipe.

Slipe.

at lumipad din siya papuntang Canaman dun sa sa...

Sala!

pero wala talaga yung love niya dun.

Wala?

Sabi ng angel pupunta siya ng Cathedral, dun kay Jesus, magppray siya.

Ingay si Jesus?

Oo, di puede mag ingay dun sa church. Gusto mong pumunta dun?

Gusto.

Smiles, nods.

Tapos yung angel nagpray kay Jesus, at may sinabi si Jesus kay angel, "Lipad ka lang, angel." kaya lumipad ulit si angel palabas ng church at pumunta sa siya sa school ni papa, dahil baka nandun yung love niya pero wala dun, kaya lipad siya ulit papunta ng Tar...

Tarlac.

pero hindi naman kasama ni Mommy yung love na hinahanap ni angel.

Mommy.

Kaya lumipad ulit siya papuntang Baguio, dun sa bun...

Dok!

Lumipad siya papuntang bundok, nag jogging si angel, pero wala talaga yung love niya, asan kaya yung love ni angel?

Asan, papa?

Lumipad si angel papunta ulit ng e-...

Emall.

Dahil baka nandun, baka nandun sa mga books, nagbabasa yung love ni angel.

Smile again.

Pero wala talaga dun, kaya sabi ng angel punta na lang siya ng dagat dahil hapon na. Alam mo kung ano ang dagat?

Just a stare.

Ang dagat, swimming dun di ba? Dun sa maraming tubig.

Dagat.

Nods.

Pumunta si angel sa dagat tapos color yellow na lahat dahil hapon na, alam mo kung ano color ang yellow?

Nods.

Tapos may nakita yung angel sa dagat, may nagsswim dun.

Smiles and I hear a bit of a laugh.

Lumapit ang angel dun sa dagat sa may tubig at tiningan niya kung sino nagsswim. Nakita ni angel ang isang sirena, alam mo yun?

Just looks at me smiling.Yung sirena, walang paa, may buntot kagaya ni...

Fishda!

Oo, parang si dyesebel. Okay, ng makita ni angel yung sirena lumapit pa siya tapos nabasa na si angel sa dagat, at lumapit din yung sirena kay angel at sabi ni angel siya, siya ang love ko. Nahanap na ni angel ang love niya, love ni angel yung sirena.

I hear her laugh.

Lumipat si angel kay sirena tapos nag embrace sila, at hug din ni sirena si angel.

As if on cue she hugs my left arm to and continues to smile.

Hug sila?

Oo, hug sila tapos umilaw, may liwanag na parang light...

(I point at the lampshade).

Ganun sila...a ilaw sila.

Nods.

Tapos habang may liwanag sa gitna nila, lumipad silang dalawa pataas, papunta dun sa clouds, dun sa mga birds, hanggang naging stars silang dalawa dun, dun sa taas. Nagi ng stars si angel saka si sire...

Sirena.

Hugs my arm again, then laughs a bit.

Tapos na yung kwento. Bukas naman ulit. Okay?

Okay.

O, maganda ba yung kwento?

Ganda.

She smiled at me and then with her small arms, tried to reach for the ceiling.

Gusto mo bang yung kwento?

'yoko, nahihila ako e.

Huh? Nahihila ka?

Oo.

Ano yung hila?

Hila...Hila! Hihila ako.

And all the while as she was saying this, she was smiling and hugging my arm.

Pero maganda yung kwento?

Oo.

Ahhh.

(realization dawning upon me) Nahihiya ka?

Hihila ako e.

E, ba't ka naman mahihila?

Hila ako.

Dahil ba nagembrace sila?

Nods, smiles then hugs me now.

Teka, hindi ka naman nahihiya, kinikilig ka, ano?

A nod and she laughed and tried to sit up to go to her sleeping mom in the other room.

Okay, kaya pala ang hila. Higa ka ulit dito.

She does and I embraced her, like a mermaid.

Now, I miss the cold rain and I miss the warm embraces. hugs. hands. exhaled breaths and the curl of your lips.

* the story was partly inspired by this.

"Sino love ni papa?"
"Si Dyesebel!"

Rain being the mythological character at this point.

sana umulan.

dahil sabi niya maraming nangyayari pag umaga, pag madaling araw
at kulay asul pa ang nasa labas ng bintana
at dito sa kaharian ng ating mga kumot at dalawang unan
naglalaban ang lamig ng nobyembre at init ng ating katawan.
at alam naman natin kung sino magwawagi ngayong umaga.

at maguusap muna tayo,
tayong dalawang pinasingkit ng pagtulog; nangungusap na parang ayaw ipakita ang bibig.
at sa maraming dahilan kung bakit dumadampi pa rin ang ating mga katawan sa isa’t isa;
sa mga lugar na dapat mapunta

sa atin na muna ang umaga. dahil ito lang ang kayamanan sa mundo,
ito lang ang puede munang isipin. at gawin.
dahil mayamaya lang puputi na ang asul sa bintana.

at alam ko puede rin nating isiping gabi pa at madilim, madilim pa ang lahat.
at tayo lang ang nakakakita, at tayo lang gumagalaw, at tayo lang ang humihinga.
dahil ito na lang ang oras na natitira sa atin.

At lahat ay puede.